Ok real talk guys.
Life can be such a struggle sometimes. And I’m here to be open about mine.
I sometimes feel like my life is ruled by my body. And in a lot of ways, that’s true for everyone. Your body sets your limitations. And if you take care of it, you allow yourself to do and experience more.
As soon as I got my period at the ripe age of 12, I became obsessed with my weight. I always felt like I was fat and bigger than the other girls. When I look back now, I was in no way fat. Like not at all. I had gone through puberty first so I started to get boobs and curves before all of my other friends. And from that moment, I was always the one with the biggest boobs. Before I even got into high school at age 14, I was already close to a D cup. At that age, boys were nasty and constantly made fun of me and made me feel like a piece of meat. And it definitely didn’t help that I always went to a Catholic school so I was made to feel ashamed of the fact that I had big boobs as it was extremely difficult to ever find weather appropriate clothes for teenagers that would cover them completely.
I was always active, and relatively healthy looking. I’ve never been the “skinny-minny” girl that was such a fad, but I was never ever fat. I lived my life like a normal teenage girl should. I was doing nothing wrong and I shouldn’t have been obsessing over my body, especially at that age. I was extremely lucky my dislike for my body never went further than just self-consciousness and disdain. It prevented me from living my life in a lot of ways but I never went to extreme depths of depriving myself of food or working out until I passed out.
To be completely honest, it wasn’t until I met D at age 24 that I actually began to love my body for what it is. After I realised that an intelligent, successful and gorgeous man could love me for who I am, then why the hell couldn’t I?
Two years have passed since then and I’m still not completely there. I still struggle every day with how I look. But the relationship between my mind and body has improved immensely. I owe a lot of that to D and to the body positivity activists that are out there on social media. The more I see others loving themselves and treating themselves with respect, the more I realise that I can too.
And this is why I will always argue with people who say only negative things about social media. It has its advantages. And it’s only been positive for me so far.
Once I moved over to the UK, D and I got settled in and we got comfortable with each other. And oh boy, did we start to pig out. I tried Indian takeaway, fell in love, and there was no going back. Eventually, I looked in the mirror and realised I had probably put on 10 lbs just since the move. That’s when we both decided it was time for us to get back in shape and start eating healthy. Of course we joined in with the rest of the world in doing so, as this was back in January once the New Year started. But unlike many others, we’ve stuck with it. And not only have I lost all that extra weight I put on when I moved here, but I’ve become so much healthier mentally.
Except, of course, when I just stand there facing brick walls asking someone to take a picture of me….. :p
Slowly, I am learning to look in the mirror and see how far I’ve come. As I am continuing on with my workouts, I can see and feel my body getting stronger. My energy levels are way up, my moods are generally much better, and I am so proud of what I’ve accomplished thus far.
But this is how I feel on a good and positive day. Trust me, I still have bad days. Over the weekend, I woke up on Saturday morning and looked in the mirror to see all these spots all over my face. In retrospect, I had not eaten that badly the day before, but I did have a lot of sugared-up white wine which I told myself I would not drink. I did it anyway. So not only was I a bit hungover Saturday, but I was also affected from all the sugar. My energy levels were down, and quite honestly I felt depressed.
For those of you who don’t experience this, yes this is real, and no I am not being dramatic. I’m definitely not choosing to wake up and immediately hate myself, feeling like absolute shit. It’s not fun.
For those of you who do experience this, you know exactly what I’m talking about. And I’m sure you can empathise with me.
Usually when these days come about, I just become a sad blob. I sit on the couch and feel all the feelings. I cry and feel bad about myself and tell myself tomorrow will be better. I didn’t have that luxury this time. I had to pull myself together as we were visiting D’s mum and had plans for the day. So I had a moment. I let myself sulk for a bit, and then I got out and went on that hike and made myself feel good. And it actually worked. I was still lethargic and didn’t feel 100% right for the rest of the day – which I can only assume is from the sugar from the night before. But the fact that I moved my body and focused my energy on something positive was the best thing for me at that time.
Throughout this week, I have not felt like doing anything constructive. Honestly, the weekend took a ton of energy out of me. And now that I think about it, it has a lot to do with the bad food I ate, and probably the sugar consumption that I am no longer used to anymore.
Refined sugar is the worst.
Even after getting a full night’s sleep, I cannot get myself out of bed for a workout. And it’s made me feel bad about myself again. I refused to make myself a smoothie because I told myself it was punishment for not working out in the morning. Then I got on Instagram and was going through photos of all the accounts I follow and inspiration struck.
I remembered my goal. I want to lean out so that I can fit better in my clothes, so that I can be confident in my body and how I feel about myself. I want to be proud of who I am when I walk around. And god damnit, I want to wear shorts in the summer without being so bloody self conscious of my massive thighs!!
Now THAT is why I get up in the morning to workout. I get up to get it out of the way. To jump start my metabolism for the day (so I can eat more – peheheh). So that I can have more energy and feel good about myself. So that I get stronger – not only my muscles, but my mentality. I’m on this journey because I want to be happy and content with myself.
Sometimes you need a reminder. And yeah, I’ll have more bad days in the future. Everyone does, it’s impossible to constantly feel good about everything. But, now I know how to better handle them. Instead of sitting inside and sulking, I’ll get off my ass and do something that will make me proud of myself. Instead of complaining about how I can’t get out of bed to workout in the morning, I can just remember how good it makes me feel when I do.
I need to remember that I need to take this journey one a day at a time. I love organising and planning and being in control of everything. But when it comes to weight loss, I have to slow down and focus on the day at hand. It’s that crazy “on” all the time mentality that drove me to Bell’s Palsy in the first place. So instead of getting worked up and crying and throwing myself a pity party, I think it’s time to remember who I am and what my main goal is.
So with all that being said, I’m going to take the next few days and eat loads of healthy foods, make sure to get my workouts in every single day, and take it one day at a time.